W? How can I be less ugly?

[WARNING – Strong language, possible incoherence, definitive stupidity]

 

Dear W,

 

Today I stumbled upon a blush I haven’t used in ages (probably 4 years) and I felt puzzled. Why did I spent 30€ ($, £, whatever) on a pinky/peachy/nudy/kind of sparkly cheek powder that I only used four times and why did I buy another one that looked identical to it (but not really though, every blush is different and deserves love) only a couple a weeks later and forgot about the first one forever?

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This is the kind of questions you can find yourself confronted with if you are what’s commonly called a “makeup junkie” like yours truly here. When you get to the addiction level, there are some things you don’t seem to understand anymore. How does the other half of the world live? Is the grass more pigmented on the other side of this imaginary fence we built between people who wear makeup and people who don’t? Can less really be more?

As I was going through my makeup collection (it acquires this terminology once you have enough eye shadow to paint a house) I started wondering what a person who just wants to get the slightly enhanced version of themselves would need. I simply asked myself  what the best makeup starter kit would be. For all those who don’t want to layer up so many products on their face that they lose a few pounds when they use a makeup wipe (like me), the question seems to be what should I buy to be less ugly?

I’m sorry to say, nothing you could buy will change the fact that you are ugly because being ugly is all in your head. What you mean by ugly is that you don’t look like any of the girls on the Victoria’s Secret fashion show… But guess what? No one does! Even the Victoria’s Secret “Angels” don’t look like that. What you see is a HUGE budget for hair and makeup that probably equals the GDP of a small developing country. No one is THAT perfect and it’s great time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself. Chin up, chest out, today, you are proud of who you are! There will always be those little things you wished you could hide, and I’m here to help you with that, but no makeup in the world is going to do for you what confidence can!

So, after a great deal of reflection that took me almost 5 entire minutes, I came up with a list of only 5 products you would need if you wanted to give makeup a try and let your natural beauty shine even brighter. But before I give you my super secret, exclusive, never seen before, life-changing (lol) list, here are a few rules:

  1. If you don’t agree with my list, too bad. (not really a rule, more of a “deal with it” kind of situation)
  2. I am not a makeup artist and it’s likely you’ll look like a clown if you try everything for the first time. Don’t hate me, just come back and ask why you look like a clown and I’ll help you look human again.
  3. The 5 products don’t include the tools used to apply said products. You are hereby forbidden to be the person who says: “But you used a beauty blender and a multiple brushes so technically-“. That person is never liked. EVER!
  4. First world problems, I know! If you think I should be talking about more important topics, you should stop reading this and go write it yourself. Don’t forget to tag me when you’re done, I’ll make sure to share it.

Now we’re all on the same page, let’s do this!

First : The base

Your skin is the most important part of the makeup process (and the biggest organ of your body, you can google it). If you have been blessed with good skin, you won’t need a lot of work for your base (and I kind of hate you), but if you are like 98,5% of people out there, you need some help to achieve a flawless complexion.

To know what product is best for you, you have to ask yourself this question: what do I want to correct? Here are some common concerns:

  • My skin is too oily, I could fry an egg on my forehead…
  • I want to cover acne, it’s NOT cute!
  • My skin is too dry, I shed like a snake.
  • I’m always red even when I don’t drink, wtf?

Well to every concern its own remedy!

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  • For my oily people out there, first of all, congratulations! You will age slowly compared to your dry ass friend (like me, hi). Second of all, don’t forget to moisturize! As your skin receives the moisture it needs, it will produce less oil! To finish, I would suggest you buy a powder foundation! It will give you some coverage and keep your excess sebum in check. Plus, it’s easy to retouch because you can take it with you everywhere and apply it with the puff that comes with it.

My top pick (as a dry skin, non competent makeup artist that has never used a powder foundation in her life) would be: Mac Studio Fix Powder Foundation! 

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  • Next we have: acne prone skin people. First of all, it’s OK! It’s a pain in the a*ss but it doesn’t make you less beautiful because it can’t change who you are. If you are a good person, you are beautiful! (If you are a shi*tty person, with clear racist tendencies and who likes to kick puppies, you’re ugly and makeup can’t do anything for you so you can go away.) If acne is a BIG problem for you, ask for help. Go to your mom or GP and tell them you would like to see a dermatologist to check if there’s something to be done about it. In time, I believe it will get better and I’m here for you! What you need is a liquid foundation! Doesn’t necessary have to be a heavy one (the second product will take care of that) but a too light coverage isn’t going to do the job we need it to do so I would say go for a medium but buildable coverage.

My top pick (as a non expert dermatologist and non acne prone skin person) would be: Bourgeois Healthy Mix Serum Foundation (and if you can’t find it, the Dior Backstage Foundation)

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  • Dry girls, hello! First of all, I know and same! It’s a pain! All I can say is drink tons of water and a good skincare routine is everything! You need something hydrating, dewy, oily, watery and everything that your skin is not. I would go for a BB or CC cream. It’s going to give you some coverage and keep your skin fresh. The biggest goal here is to have an even complexion with no flakiness on the forehead, nose or chin!

My top pick (even tho I’ve never tried this in my life) would be: L’Oreal Paris Magic Skin Beautifier BB Cream

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  • Last, if your concern is redness, hello, me too! First of all, you need to know why your skin is red. Are you sensitive? Is it sun burn (which is bad and you should wear sunscreen because if you don’t you’ll look 40 when your best friend who you always teased for being pale AF while you were always tanned looks 10 years younger than you)? Or is it rosacea or another skin condition? When the problem is identified, time to correct it! And correct is a very important word here… I would advice you to go for a color correcting BB or CC creme that is green. Don’t worry, you won’t look like Shrek, the Hulk or any other green CGI person you can think of, the green in the product will work against the red to neutralize it. All you will be able to see is skin. Normal, not red, boring skin. Which is exactly what we’re trying to get out of this first step.

My top pick (as a not so problematic red faced person and as a non-user of this product) is: Erborian CC Red Correct

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Second product:  the Concealer

Now that everyone has their base, we need to move on to corrections and take care of the details. Once again, it depends on how much you need to hide and what your concerns are:

  • Yes I sleep, it’s genetic dark circles you ass*hole!
  • Nope, that’s not a beauty spot it’s an acne scar
  • I don’t see what I could correct after the base but I’ll keep reading just in case.

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  • If you have really bad dark circles, you need to invest in a color correcting, covering concealer. To fight the blue/purple you have under your eyes, you need something orange/peach toned to work against it. You could try those little palettes that have multiple colors in them and mix and match until you find the best way to cover everything up.
  • When your problem is acne, I wouldn’t go with a super heavy foundation, like I said before, but I would invest in a pigmented, full coverage concealer and correct where you need to. Your skin will look less caked up and more fresh even though it will take you a little bit longer to apply a little bit of concealer on every little blemish then blend it.
  • If you think you don’t need it, you still need to get one. A light luminous concealer will help you look fresh and more awake so don’t fight me on this. All those light weighted concealers in a pen-like shape, with that clicky, twisty thing at the bottom to get the product out, that’s made for you!

Third product: Bronzer

Now that our skin is corrected we have a blank canvas. It’s about time we start adding some color and have fun! This will be short but you know what we say about size, right? (Yeah, I know… It does matter!)

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As you’ve taken out every natural color of your skin with your base and your concealer, you need to add some dimension back into it. Cream or powder bronzer, it depends on your skin type and for the color it depends on your skin tone, so I can only tell you what I’ve heard works well. For darker skin tones, I’ve heard Fenty Beauty does incredible things and for light toned people Hoola from Belefit seems to work for a lot of different skin tones.  You need to try them to see what works for you and, I’m sorry to say, you’ll probably mess this step a few times before getting it right, but you’ll get there!

Forth product: Blush

Now that you look sun-kissed (or orange), it’s time to add a bit of color to you cheeks to achieve that healthy, youthful look we’re going for here. Pink, peach or mauve, it’s up to you. I would say a peach blush will complement everyone but I’d probably be wrong. Once again, you’ll need to go for it, try it until you find the right one (that’s what she said).  My tip is to go for a less pigmented blush at first to make sure not to over do it!

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Last product: Mascara

We’ve done a lot for your skin, it’s time to finish the whole thing by giving some love to the eyes with a good mascara. The only real common theme here is that it has to be black. For the rest, make sure it’s adapted to your eye shape and skin type. If you have oily lids and oily skin, walk straight towards the waterproof mascara isle to make sure you don’t end up with raccoon eyes after a few hours. Raccoons look cute but I’ve heard they’re nasty little beasts so don’t trust them. If you have small eyes, be careful not to pick a mascara with a giant wand because you will poke yourself in the eye and put mascara everywhere. It’s unavoidable. Pick a smaller wand or be like Harry and let the wand chose you!

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So there you have it people, this is every product you need to start you makeup journey. Do you feel less ugly yet? Because you should! You are B E A U T I F U L ! These products are just here to have fun and feel a bit more confident. I understand all this makeup is already too much for some of you, but if I can become a makeup junkie, so can you. I believe in each and everyone of you and I know that you can also end up spending all your money on a blue glitter pigment and a green themed eye-shadow palette even thought you only wear nude colors! *facepalm*

I know some of you are probably thinking “Ok, Now I have the products, but how the hell am I supposed to use them?” but that’s a (very good) question that will probably be asked to W another day… But to help you out, here’s a video of how to get that enhanced look, by the very talented and beautiful Lisa Eldridge (one of the best in the business and if you ever see this, hi, I love you).

I love you even if you hate me!

Bisous xx

Laura

PS: English is my third language and grammatical errors might, will, did happen. I’m not sorry, just deal with them and correct them in your beautiful head of yours. K. Bye.

PSS: The links I use are purely here to illustrate the products mentioned, they are not affiliate links. If a brand wants to send me stuff, feel free to do so… Especially you @Chanel. I’m here. Love me! (lol)

 

 

 

 

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